Now Slapping I Can Get Behind.

Sometimes something funny happens on TV—say, 30 Rock, or Rock of Love—and I'll clap. Just a solitary clap, kind of putting an exclamation on the comedy I just watched, and then I laugh. Clap, laugh, no problem.

And if you were running for President and said something inspiring, sure, I'd clap some, and probably nod my head, as in "Yes, these are the changes we need. I applaud these promised policy shifts. Yes."

If you were in a band, and you rocked out? Clapping, from me. For you.

I saw Kids in the Hall Live a couple months ago. My palms still sting a little.

I'm leaving for Lollapalooza tomorrow. Get ready, hands!

I'll make you a burger, and do a little clap-clap to each side of the patty before I put it on the grill.

I'll clap Bandit on his side, where it makes kind of an echoey hollow dog noise.
I clapped a few times during The Dark Knight, cause that's just how I roll sometimes.

Once in a while? I just walk around, clapping a beat. Clapping, just because.

So it's not that I'm opposed to clapping in general. I'm obviously down with clapping in a variety of ways.

Just not a work, okay? Please stop trying to get me to clap at work. Honestly. Stop it. Because I'm not going to do it. When you're clapping, and looking at me and my silent hands? You're killing me. For real.

So stop, mmkay?

Bang! And then he drops! Do it again!

You know when you’re a kid and you go to a birthday party or whatever and it’s at some dude’s farm where there are pumpkins and cider for sale and everybody’s on a hay ride? And then at the end, there’s a special horse that everybody gathers around? And he’s all counting with his hoof or nodding to answer yes or no questions? And everybody claps and gets in line with their sugar cubes and cameras and stuff, cause, you know, cute horse, right? But then, once in a while, the horse is really something special, and he knows how to take a shot from a finger gun and play dead? As in, you start to wonder if he’s not just a horse, but some kind of horse actor, and he understands how to pretend? I fucking love that shit.