Sweet lil Juno was giving birth...AND I COULD BARELY HEAR HER.

Listen, I am never going to stop going to the movies. I'm just not. I love seeing movies in a theater. I know I can watch them at home on a huge television, and I know I can watch them on my computer and ipod, and--what am I forgetting?--boxes of cereal like in Minority Report or whatever.

And I understand that if I'm not going to be flexible about this, then it's a lot to ask for me to be making requests of you. But I really only have one, and it's this: If you're at the movies, and you see that I'm there too (or anyone. If you see any other person, follow this rule), you really have to stop talking. Once the lights are off, and the commercials and previews are done, and the movie featured on your ticket is playing, you have to stop talking. I mean it. Completely. Stop talking.

Seriously, shut the fuck up already.

Because if you don't, you're going to see just how much of this buck fifty is made up of pure unadulturated rage. A clue: a lot. A lot of it. A lot rage. I'm pissed, you guys, and I'm as likely to unhinge at the movies as anywhere else. So for real: put a cork in it, or I'm gonna lose my mind. I'll find you. It ain't that dark in there.

Carry on.

Why I Don’t Have Kids, part INFINITY

Other people's vomit.

See also: Why I am not in a sorority.