More to Love, Right Ladies? Ladies? Hello?

A bit of a bone to pick with you people: You could have said something. Maybe something like, "You do laundry in hot water?" Or maybe, "You sprain an ankle or something?"

My brother mentioned it today. Here's how he put it: "You ever tried the diet Red Bull?"

You're all horrible jerks. Somebody should have said something. You should have said, "Hey Ryan, I couldn't help but notice that in the past couple months you've become a big horrible fat f--king fat-ass f--king stupid fat f--ker." Something like that.

Dude. Fourteen pounds. Since January 1.

I looked at that new "addiction is a medical problem" ad featuring Chris Farley today for about ten minutes before I realized I was LOOKING IN A MIRROR.

My brother has lost 80 pounds in less than a year, so I'm already more aware of stuff like that than I would have been a year ago. And we hung out today with my grandparents. He had already made his Red Bull crack when my grandma told me I was so tall and skinny and handsome. Uh, we know tall ain't true, which means Grandma thinks I'm a big fat stupid fat f--ker too! And ugly! My own grandma thinks I'm ugly!

And I'm vegetarian! I've been eating that crap for a decade! Ridiculous! Exclamation points!