I Seriously Considered Hiding Under Their Car Like Max Cady

I went to a Cardinals game yesterday with my family. They won; there were fireworks at the end and everything. Not that I watched any of it. I was too engrossed in the couples in front of me. Let's meet them, shall we?

Eddie, who dates Maggie, who is best friends with Jill, who dates Frank. Eddie and Frank are meeting for the first time. Eddie and Jill are the only smokers, and leave every other inning for about fifteen minutes, leaving Frank and Maggie alone to make awkward small-talk.

First date-free smoke break:

Frank: You been to the new stadium before?
Maggie: No. First time. It's okay, I guess. Different.
Frank: Yeah, it's different. If you sit over there, you can see the Arch.
Maggie: Oh.

Second smoke break...

Frank: Non-smokers sure get left out a lot, huh?
Maggie: Yeah. I used to, but I quit, and now I'm waiting a lot, while he goes outside to smoke.
Frank: I wish Jill would go outside. Her house stinks like smoke.
Maggie: She probably doesn't notice because it's hers.
Frank: Smoke and shit.
Maggie: What?
Frank: Smoke and dog shit. She got that dog, and it shits everywhere, and her house smells like his shit and she doesn't do anything about it.
Maggie: Well it's a puppy. She'll train it.
Frank: No it's not. It's not a puppy. It's just new. He's like seven. And she won't train it, because she doesn't care. Her smoking stinks, and her dog stinks and her house stinks, and after a while I'm just starting to wonder if maybe she stinks and I can't tell because we're always at her house.
Maggie: Yeah, I can see that.

Okay, so I'm not even pretending to watch the game at this point. Next time they got up, I was all hell yeah and leaned way in, like I was super into the game, but come on, they kept walking Pujols and I couldn't see the Arch from my seats either.

Frank: I hate Jill's mom.
Maggie: I know! She's awful.
Frank: And anytime I say something, Jill gets offended.
Maggie: Because it's her mom. You can't say anything about somebody's else's mom.
Frank: If I go over there and her mom's there, I just wanna kill myself. Jill hates her too, but she won't ever stand up for herself.
Maggie: What I do is try to bait Jill into talking about her mom, and then when she starts complaining, I agree with everything and comfort her. That's when you can get your digs in. She's a bitch.
Frank: God, she is such a bitch.

And I counted. Frank and Eddie high-fived seven times, but every single time, Eddie had to hold his hand up in Frank's face and then say, "Hey Frank, high-five me." But, the thing is, Frank would high-five Maggie, completely unprovoked. And later, Eddie was all crazy drunk and begging Maggie to dance with him, and she was embarrassed, but somebody did stand up and do the bump with him and woo-hoo it up holding her beer above her head: Jill. And when she offered him a nacho, and he said yes? Fed it to him. Had to reach over his girlfriend and everything. Shit was brilliant.