Ryan’s Grilled Cheese Recipe, Which is Immune to Criticism

Don't worry, I'm not turning this into some kind of foodie blog. I'd run out of ideas about three nights in. I'd be all, "It's Wednesday, you should make some…jelly beans? Do you guys like jelly beans? You should have some, uh, red ones."

But my grilled cheese rocks, and I thought you'd should know. Seriously. You and my grilled cheese would be like you and your grandma when you were five years old, or Grammy voters and Michael Jackson back in 1983, or a chick with really sexy feet over at Quentin Tarantino's house. Meaning, you know, unconditional love.

Here it is. You probably won't even have to go to the store first.

Put two slices of whole wheat bread on a grill or grill pan. That's right, not a skillet. Did I say it was my fried cheese sandwich? No. No I did not. Cover each slice with fresh grated parmesan. Already, right? You already love me and my sandwich. See?

When the cheese is all tangled and melty, remove the bread from the heat and set it aside for a second. Put a big onion slice on the grill, drizzle it with olive oil, add salt and pepper, put on the lid or press, and leave it be. Now, to the bread…

On one piece of bread, add a slice of sharp cheddar cheese. On the other, add the following: one slice of pepperjack cheese, one teaspoon of diced jalapeno (scattered across the entire slice of cheese), half an avocado, sliced thin.

When the onion has softened up some and has grill marks, dice it up and add it on top of the avocado. Put the whole thing together, and return it to the grill. The bread is already about half toasty, so you're only melting cheese at this point. It won't take long. Press it firmly, but not so much that your avocado falls out. Turn it once.

Okay, this part is important. You have to slice grilled cheese diagonally. You just do. But you can't slice this one yet. If you slice it immediately, everything falls out. Let it sit for a couple minutes, like steak. You're making onion rings or tator tots or something to go with it, aren't you? Please say you are. Get those out of the oven or whatever while your sandwich waits.

Cut the sandwich, and place the halves on opposite sides of your plate. Dump your onion rings in the middle. This next part you don't have to do, unless you want your sandwich to be awesome: Add like five shots of Frank's Red Hot across the entire plate (over your sandwich, onion rings and everything.). If you eat meat, I can make you one with sliced ham, but you should know: if you get ham, YOU GET NO AVACADO. It's a vegetarian revenge rule I made, and it's unbreakable. Although, if I ate meat, I'd put some bacon on that motherfucker, and the avocado too, because that's how I roll, on the duplicate Earth where I'm not vegetarian.

And I know, grilled cheese isn't that healthy. But, did you notice I used wheat bread and no butter? It's practically tofu, or bulgur*, or acaii berries. Eat up. This is best if you eat it with a beer or a lemonade, although I usually just have water.

*I have no idea what bulgur is.